Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
