i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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