Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
