I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize