EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
