dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
