I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
