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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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