does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
