I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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