The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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