Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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