I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
