i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
