I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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