last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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