i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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