i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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