It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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