my sisters under your porch take her home
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
