Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
