I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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