I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
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