while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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