I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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