Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Plan B is the new Plan A
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i will never coherently bang her
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
