I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
