hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Terrible idea I love it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
