one two three fourrrrnication!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
