Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
