So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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