look no pants
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
