One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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