Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
