I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will be naked everywhere
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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