Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
