don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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