y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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