I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish you could order shots online.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
