dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
