so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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