i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
