the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
