Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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