Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
my poor anus
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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