And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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