he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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