I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
