y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
