can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
