she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
